This is default featured slide 1 title
This is default featured slide 2 title
This is default featured slide 5 title
 

Some Reasons You Still Single

You run your dating life like a boardroom.

What they want in their personal lives often includes a man who is at least as successful as they are, taller than they are, and who will pursue them. But it’s sometimes difficult for these women to actually let the man take the lead like they say they want him to do. Just to make it clear, I’m not telling these women that they need to let a man pursue them; these women are telling me that they’re frustrated by men who don’t pursue them.

So what’s the problem? While they like the idea in theory of letting a man pursue them, they get very frustrated if he doesn’t pursue them on their timeline and in the manner of their preference. They have “talks” with men who they don’t feel are “doing enough” – much like they’d have a chat with an underperforming employee.

But you cannot dictate pursuit. You cannot complain to someone that he isn’t pursuing you. If you do, then he’s only pursuing because you told him to, in which case he is following your directions – which is almost the opposite of pursuit.

If you want to call the shots, fine with me – I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help clients get (almost) whatever they want! But if you want him to lead, you can’t tell him how to do it. This doesn’t mean you have to sit around waiting, though. If he isn’t pursuing you the way you want, date others who will! But don’t tell him to pursue you and then feel surprised when you’re both sensing the awkward tension that will inevitably arise.

Telling a man to pursue you is like telling him how to lead. By doing so, you are actually leading – and depriving yourself of what you’re really craving.

You over-invest in a man who hasn’t even asked you to be in a relationship.

The reason many women have trouble just distancing themselves from a man who isn’t pursuing them is because they’ve over-invested themselves in the relationship before the man has earned the investment. They’ve quit dating other people simply because their “favorite” is requesting a lot of dates.

What they don’t think about is that just going on five or six really fun dates where each time you go a little further physically is totally enticing to men, but it doesn’t mean anything in terms of the man’s interest or ability to make a commitment. It can get even more confusing if the man has been saying things like, “I see myself getting married and settling down sometime in the next few years.” The women sometimes misinterpret this as having a talk about his goals and interests pertaining to them specifically.

Like it or not, women have a biological tendency to become commitment-oriented sooner than men when they start having great sex (oxytocin – we’ve all heard about it!). So if you’re having great sex and the man mentions the future, perhaps even invites you to a friend’s wedding or to meet his parents when they visit him next month, your heart can quickly go in limbo.

My advice: If you meet someone special, consider taking things really s-l-o-w. Don’t quit dating other people till he asks you, and if he doesn’t ask you, take that as information about either a) his interest in you, b) his interest in commitment, or c) his ability to pursue and go after what he wants. A man must demonstrate ALL of the above if you’re looking for a committed relationship with someone who pursues you. This is what 99% of my female dating clients specifically tell me they want (a man who will pursue them), and if that’s you too, these tips may help you.

You haven’t let go of your ex.

Are you in a pattern of being “just friends” with someone you recently broke up with? If so, the texts, phone calls, and get-togethers could be holding you back from giving yourself wholeheartedly to single life and moving forward. If this is you, it’s time to leave the past behind. Instead of letting someone with whom a relationship hasn’t worked take up all your mental space, why not let go and direct your focus toward the possibility of a new relationship that will potentially be even better that the last?

You’re afraid.

Fear is a sneaky thing that could be sabotaging your love life without you even realizing. Dating requires vulnerability, and putting yourself out there without quite knowing what you’ll get in return can be scary. If you haven’t had the rosiest of endings in your past relationships, you could be looking at potential dates or new relationships from a fearful lens – whether the fear is being rejected or falling for the wrong person again.